Click on a Label

August 24th, 2025

I got my college refund of a couple thousand dollars, and I thought really hard about how I wanted to spend the money. I mostly save and use it for day-to-day expenses (buying food for my reptiles, bus fare to visit my partner, etc). But I decided to make some actual purchases too. I decided to get some needlefelting supplies... Needlefelting is something I've wanted to try since I was like, 9, so I said fuck it lets try it out! I am hoping it can be something fun and easy for me to do even when I'm tired.. Like crochet is something I can do even when exhausted after a day out, attending college, etc.

I bought a bunch of pretty colours so hopefully I have a bunch of project ideas.. I used to have a scarcity mindset as a kid partially due to not being able to get replacements whenever I wanted. But it was also self imposed like, I would barely use anything I had bc I was scared of wasting it. Never placed any stickers, used my 2 copic markers a few times a year, etc etc. Im over that now... I use stickers and dont regret using my nice markers and will use my pretty wool if i have a cute idea!!!

August 17th, 2025

I have felt kind of down the last week I've been back home. I feel lonely caus my sister & her bf don't seem to want anything to do with me, and my best friend is out of the country until November, so I haven't really been talking to anyone. But last night fixed everything....for the first time in honestly months, me and my siblings had a long multi-hour conversation. It felt a bit awkward at first (specifically I think my sisters bf is the one feeling the Most awkward about me), but soon we were back to normal. Additionally, the friend I messaged 3 days ago to hangout finally responded and we are hanging out today. This is a friend I usually see a few times a year, caus to be honest he is not great about responding, but I'd like to get closer and hang out more frequently.

August 15th, 2025

My whole life I've heard people say things about how hearing a certain song, or smelling a certain smell, brings them back to a specific moment or point in time. And I never really understood what that meant. Like yeah, a song could remind me of a memory, but its not like I'm Reliving it. Ive never really 'relived' a memory in the way people describe it. But lately I've been having very vivid flashbacks to certain memories. Just now I was playing the google snake game. I set it to a specific setting I used to play it on and suddenly I was in 2023. Listening to my friend Cyborg9k drunk ramble to me about how making music has been for him the last 10 years. It felt weird. A similar thing happened when I was listening to Gemini (birthday song) by Why? and I was once again 13, listening to it on loop after I found it from a South Park Flipnote on Instagram, and thinking about how it was the weirdest song I'd ever heard, but that I couldn't get enough. I remember thinking that all the lyrics were random and had no correlation or meaning (which to me now at 19 is not true. That song has a very definite theme and the lyrics are connected).

Its just interesting to finally experience something I had heard other people talk about for so long. I anticipate this scenario happening again and again. As I've been alive longer, I am finally starting to understand certain things that seemed so inherent to other people.

August 7th, 2025

Soo I just got back from Tanzania and I'm a bit tired still, but really want to work on my website in the upcoming month. I also fell back in love with my ocs and want to develop them more soon. So heres a list of some of my page ideas hopefully to complete in August & September..

    • General travel page to display my previous trips to DC & Salt Lake
      Update my photography page to include the rave I went to & Tanzania
      Shrine page for the my trinkets & plushies
      Shrine page for aeromorphs

    • July 21st, 2025

    I haven't really liked a lot of YouTube since I was 14. I realized all the commentary youtubers I liked had pretty basic input w/ no real sense of humor. I had grown out of a lot of the childrens gaming channels I watched from 9-12. I was briefly into some gaming streamers, but it was all so drama-filled and half of them had no humor (every youtuber/twitch group has like, 2 funny guys and 3 guys who sometimes are funny and 1 guy who is a human nothingburger). So I kinda just didn't watch videos where the person or game/media itself is the focus for a long time. The last 5 years all I've watched is furry animations, linguistics videos, and whatever educational field interests me at the time.

    Today though my partner wanted to watch something on the TV and put on a random Drew Gooden video and I was delightfully surprised. I kinda just assumed he stopped being entertaining or funny like a lot of similar youtubers I liked as a kid. FOr example I liked Kurtis Connor when I was 13, but after a while he became.. so preachy/obviously pandering to a certain audience, and he was barely funny. But I just watched 4 Drew videos and I indeed enjoyed them all. Well, stuff for me to binge on the airplane I guess :)

    July 16th, 2025

    I've been getting a lot more anxious as my Tanzania trip approaches.. At night its been so hard to sleep, thinking about it all. I'm not really anxious for the core of the trip, but rather getting there and the first night I spend alone. I imagine getting to my hotel late at night, and my reservation was forgotten or not written down or something. Or my plane is delayed a bunch, and I end up arriving at like 3-6 am and I can't check into a hotel and am just in purgatory. Also, being at airports for so long.. I'm gonna go crazy. I have a very very difficult time sleeping on planes, (or anywhere but My bed in general), and being in transit for 27 hours feels like hell. I was just going to knock myself out with some sleeping pills but then my grandma & travel friend warned me about the dangers of staying seated so long and Im like UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have done all my neurotic trip planning.. I made an aproximate budget. My grandma told me to have at least 3,000$ of spending money for a trip and I was like "that sounds absurdly high" so I budgeted and unless there is some horrible accident, I plan to spend between 600-800 dollars. I haven't gone to shop yet, but I have a list of everything left I need to buy (sun screen, GOOD mosquito repellant, permethrin, a good airplane pillow). I'm going to treat my clothes with permethrin since I am not vaccinated against any mosquito diseases & really dont want to risk catching anything. The area I'll be in is right outside of the malaria/zika virus/west nile hotzone but I don't want to take any risks.

    Ive just been trying to tell myself I have the resources to deal with whatever happens. If I somehow didn't have a reservation, I can pay for a hotel without any issue. If somehow no hotels are available, Ill spend my first night in a hostel. I have the numbers of quite a few people I can contact if something goes wrong. I speak the local language (as well as them speaking English), I'm not stupid & wont have my valuables on display, I have a friendly demeanor and I will be able to navigate alright. I'm in a tourist heavy area - my dad told me if I'm ever feeling unsafe or taken advantage of to try and find another foreign woman to hang out with for a bit.

    July 11th, 2025

    Its been a year since I first started crushing on my partner and I'm just like wow... Started crushing on July 11th 2024, then we really started flirting from August-September and then started dating on September 27th. This is particularly notable to me because of how happy and invested I still am in our relationship.. Like I see people speak very harshly of the "honeymoon phase" like its guaranteed you're gonna lose interest after 3-6 months but I just haven't. I still feel so excited to see them everytime we hang out. I love the routine we've developed and also the breakout unusual things we do every now & then too.

    I know its recency bias or whatever but I really do think this is my best relationship to date. I took all the stuff I struggled with in my teen relationships, and improved upon them. Its crazy to think about (if you know me personally) that I used to be very reclusive and not very affectionate, because now I am telling my partner I love them everyday and constantly talking about them to others. From 14-17, affection felt so difficult. I'd tell my friends things like "He just told me he loved me, I want to hit him and then myself with a giant hammer" or "She told me a bunch of stuff she liked about me today and I felt like killing myself". I improved my communication skills, so me and my current partner have like 0 issues and they are swiftly resolved when they do pop up. I feel so happy and excited to experience my young adulthood with them.. With us both halfway through college, we both just started hrt, etc etc I'm just like wowwwwwwww. Wowwwwwwww. I really can see myself being with them for life :)

    June 30th, 2025

    I got my permit in May and have been practicing driving since. I actually find driving pretty enjoyable but god the risks of it.... I'll be having fun going down a road and then it suddenly hits me like, if someone were to be out on the road without me realizing...well.... Because I notice myself zone certain things out sometimes.. Like I'll get really into the space in front of me and forget to glance at the mirrors. I'll look at a sign on the side of the road and end up swerving a bit. I'm not tooo scared because fatal crashes within my decent size town are rare, and oftentimes avoidable with safe driving, but like the thought of going on the highway TERRIFIES me. I want to just take backroads to get to the capital of my state... no way you can get me on the fucking interstate, people are CRAZY on there!

    I also realize just how stupid drivers are. People going 60 in a 30 (which is a 30 because it has frequent pedestrians and a park/school nearby) like oh my god why can't you chill out. Speeding within towns gives barely any results because of how lights are programmed - I JUST DONT GET IT! Why is your life worth getting home 2 minutes faster? Why are OTHER peoples lives worth that? I enjoy going the exact speed limit, its like a little challenge for me. If we were all going the speed limit instead of way above or way under, life would be so beautiful.

    June 30th, 2025

    I generally have a lot of self discipline, in every sense of the word. I do my homework the day its assigned - I don't put off tasks that Need to be done. I can hold myself to a consistent schedule when starting new time-intensive hobbies like language learning or an instrument. I hold my tongue to avoid unnecessary rude remarks or arguments. Even when I'm majorly upset I still control myself from doing anything rash - Never broken an important object, never lashed out on someone.

    But for some GODFORSAKEN REASON, holding myself responsible for sleep is SO hard for me. I'll know fully well I'm wasting my time (why even get in an extra hour of twitter when I won't remmeber any of it tomorrow). I'll know that in the morning I'll have something to do, so I'll wake up exhausted. I know if I don't have any responsibilities that I'll wake up absurdly late and waste the day. I know poor sleep causes long-term health problems, like increased risk of cardiac arrest. and I KNOW how happy and productive I am when I get up early. BUT FOR SOME REASON! SOME REASON! I just. Am so fucking bad at holding myself to a sleep schedule. I always stay up later than I intend. Its so frustrating. I think I am finally starting to gain a little bit more self discipline with it, like I only dawdle to get into my bed for like an hour instead of 2. And I am a lot better at forcing myself off my phone, to stop myself from starting a new drawing or project late at night. But I still have a lot of room to improve.

    June 29th, 2025

    This week has been pretty fun. I went to a rave with my best friend Cotton, and I got absolutely shitfaced. The most drunk/high I've EVER been, but it was so fun. I danced, I took photos of a dozen people (I was genuinely surprised at how many I took the morning after LOL I remember taking like, 4 of them). Multiple people hyped up my outfit - a group of 4 people came up to me and said they loved my dinosaur shirt, then I showed them my dinosaur bag, then tail, and they just got louder and louder going "Oh my god thats so cute, wait theres a BAG too?? Wait your tail!!!!!". Made me feel so happy :) Ive also gone to enough shows now that I'm starting to recognize a lot of people (and people are recognizing me!). Taking photos at shows is awesome because the next time I see someone, they remember me and are excited to see me again.

    Then the day after, I went to pride with my family. Ive had to miss out on my local towns pride the last 2 years because I was out of state during it. It was really nice to go to MY pride, knowing these are all people who live here. I saw a friend I hadn't seen a while. There was a local artists vending section, and I met some very nice people there (talked about warrior cats with one, met someone with very very cool unique art). I wish my area had more vending opportunities.. I try to look out for them and they're like, once a year and I have to know the right people to even hear about them which sucks. Had some very good food truck Mexican food, and had some fun conversations with my family.

    June 25th, 2025

    I had an enlightening conversation with my partner the other day that helped me realize exactly why I didn't want to use social media anymore (and how Ill go about cutting it out this summer). Essentially, social media is too generalized. They want you to post anything and everything to keep you hooked. I want to keep up with my friends, but I don't need all the clutter (reposts of art, of political posts, posts about discourse whether made by my friend or just reposted). What I want is much closer to the format of sites like DeviantArt. I want to just see the art of my friends, catch up easily & leave. If something is really important, it'll be mentioned in the description of a drawing or get a journal post. My current problem is I don't want to just go onto twitter, tumblr, etc to post and leave. I WANT to see what my friends are up to, and then in the process of checking that, I see all the Clutter. For me, twitter tumblr insta are an all or nothing thing where its not possible for me to just go and post art/irl stuff and leave, its either I'm there or I'm not.

    I am planning to move to deviantart as my main art platform again (and try out some new sites like Ink Bunny) and then urge my friends to keep up with my website. I think the easiest way to do the latter is to add a "newly added" section to my home page, so my friends can easily find the stuff thats new since their last visit. I also will of course keep up with people individually, instead of relying on social media to show me their life so much. Sadly some people will always be caught in the "we aren't close enough to really warrant messaging every week, but i like seeing their posts online" thing. As much as I'd want to know all these people, its just not pheasible to keep up with all 60ish of the online mutuals I regularly interact with.

    June 24th, 2025

    I am very excited for art fight this year.. Last year was my first year actually participating, and I had so much fun. For the 3 years before, I did one attack and then found it difficult to come up with. Last year I did 11 attacks. This year I think I'll be able to go above 11, maybe even double it. I've been scouting characters I'm interested in... What really helped me last year was I was into a specific show so I was mostly attacking people with furry versions of those characters. This year, I'm mostly focusing on attacking aeromorphs/anthroplanes. This will also hopefully get me some art of my own.. My aeromorphs have way less art than my other ocs since a lot of my friends don't know how to draw them. I'm also attacking some dinos, and cool rarer species (I have an okapi bookmarked, for example). I also have my first mass-attack idea - a herd of parasaurolophuses (my favourite dinosaur) surrounding a water source. I'm very excited!

    May 18th, 2025

    A few days ago I was on twitter while drunk and saw a drawing of a furry with a shirt that said "#1 Fent Dealer" and in my unusual aggressive manner (I almost never qrt or are mean to people online), I qrt'd and called it ugly. Usually when I'm mean online and someone responds, I feel bad and regret it but all the people that replied to me are such fucking losers I couldn't care at all. Someone qrt'd making fun of My art except they chose a drawing I made of me & my friends ocs and it was just like. I had so much fun drawing it and my friends loved it, so it was like. I love this drawing and you calling it ugly means nothing to me. Maybe if it was a different drawing it would've gotten to me, but that one could not lol. Someone also called me chopped/ugly and it was Again like. So many people have had crushes on me in my life, I get catcalled, whatever, I just don't believe that I'm ugly sorry. My partner loves my body and face, and tells me that every single day, so one comment calling me ugly really couldn't get to me at all. They also had no pictures of them on their profile - Statistically photoless twitter accounts are not particularly hot themselves lol.

    Lastly and most strange, a friend of the OG artist decided to print out my tweet hating on the drawing, and also collage a bunch of pictures of my face around it. Like oookay? I don't know how I am supposed to think you and you friends are anything but weird assholes if you do that. They also purposely misgendered me (called me girl & retweeted someone else who did) and simultaneously mis-sexuality'd ( is that a thing help) me. They put the gay male flag behind the photos of me even tho my profile clearly states I'm a lesbian. I don't really know what this person wanted to get out of this because I couldn't even feel bad about this since its just such a weird thing to do to someone. Also, I thought it was funny they had to crop me out of a bunch of pictures with my partner & irl friends to make the collage lol. Like, I can't say for sure they're a loser irl or anything, but the vision of some chronic twitter user cropping my friends out of pictures is really funny to me.

    May 15th, 2025

    My partner plays this roblox roleplay game called The Sanctuary/Phoenix International. Its about an island of dinosaurs that get observed and tested on sometimes. We both love dinosaurs so after they talked about it for a few months, I decided to apply. I got in as a dinosaur actor (which? Is actually very serious. they don't play about these dinos. i was one of only 19 people who got in out of like, a thousand applications? like okayy). I played for the first time tonight as a minmi. It was very chill since its late at night and not a lot of people were on. I joined a pack with a random guy and we talked a bit. I'm not a big gamer so I'm not sure how much I'll play after this, but it was enjoyable. The models are very beautiful for a roblox game.

    May 12th, 2025

    Just a little update on a bunch of stuff. I have my permit now, so, this summer my main goal is to practice driving and get my actual license. I submitted my last final today so I'm officially off for the summer! My fafsa finally went through, and I applied again for my biggest scholarship (I applied for my fafsa admitedly very late and I was stressed I couldn't meet my scholarships deadline). I paid off my Tanzania trip, have my passport, got my visa, and paid for my plane tickets. I've had a horrible at worst, mid at best, last month or so, so I'm very glad to have all this stuff wrapped up. I've been slacking on my hobbies due to a lack of motivation from family circumstances, but I'm at my partner's right now and I'm ready to start my summer and be in control again. My online best friend is coming over in a week, it'll be the 4th time we've met irl, and then I go to Tanzania in July.

    May 7th, 2025

    I feel an annoying amount of spite to my sister and her boyfriend right now. I hate how they just pretend I don't exist in my own house. I just don't understand why they had to specifically go "we're not inviting you to anything anymore" when they already weren't doing that. Today my sister wouldn't even take my dad's phone from my hand when we were ordering dinner and I just wanted to fucking punch her in the face. I already felt incredibly isolated from my family, my brother and sister had hardly invited me to anything recently, and then they decide to rub it in my face even more for some reason. I know they're teenagers with shitty conflict skills and I've talked about it to both of my parents who agree they went about this in a shitty way, but it fucking sucks to know no one wants you there in your Own house. I hear my sister, her bf, my brother and his gf laughing from across the basement and I want to cry and scream. I've never had conflict with my siblings, we never really had fights past the age of like 10, so I just don't understand this whole thing at all.

    It makes me feel physically violent in a way that makes me feel afraid of myself. I'm staying at my partner's house for a week on the 9th and I'm so excited to just be AWAY from them. I really hate them so much right now. I don't want to forgive them for isolating me for 3+ weeks from my main social interaction (I've always been incredibly close with my whole family, I tell them everything). If they ever stop being little bitches avoiding me, I don't know if I'll be able to hold back from telling them that they've made me incredibly angry and depressed the last month.

    April 23rd, 2025

    I know followers don't matter much on neocities and people interact way more on here than they do other sites but like. I still have a habit of not really following people if they have over 100 followers lol. I just don't feel like I'll have a cool enough site for them to want to follow me back. I'll enjoy their website, maybe leave a comment or save it to my folder to check back for updates, but I just.. don't really want to follow you anymore.. Pretty much everyone I follow has under 30 tbh. Maybe I have this extra bitterness because no one follows me first, I always do it first..

    April 16th, 2025

    It's funny going from a scum of the internet user to very mentally stable and happy.. as a teen I ran a few gore blogs on tumblr. I was on edtwt (before it started getting all the attention it seems to have currently..). I was active on self harm forums. I don't think I could really stomach any of this now. Especially the gore. A few of my friends occasionally send self harm stuff to me still, and even those get me a bit squeamish. I can't ever imagine being anorexic again caus my partner has made me love my fat so much. Theres some world where I return to these things.. maybe a death in my 20s, a really horrible job or series of events, but I really think I could never do any of those things again.