April 4th, 2025

Hello! Its been a second since I made a blog post.. My idea for my blog page was ambitious for my current skills, so it took longer to get up than my other pages. Anyways! I've been very socially busy the last few months..

Salt Lake City

I had a second Salt Lake trip with Danny & Skylar! We were scared we wouldn't have enough stuff to do, but it topped the first trip to be honest. I did a lot of stuff for the first time - shooting guns (a pistol and a shotgun), going to a casino (we won 2000$), and I smoked some weed with the buffalo. I was planing to make a page dedicated to travel, so I'll probably write more in depth at a later date and link it back here :). Here are some photos.

My Party

I hosted a party for the first time :D Usually my sister invites people and I'm just there, but I invited my partner, best friend and one of my friends this time :) I felt the stress of hosting LOL. I hated being with one person for too long because I wanted to check in with everyone else, that they were having a good time.. We made onigiri together which was fun, blew up some balloons.. Listened to music and drank all night.

My Partner

I've spent a lot of time with my partner this last 2 months! I was at their house for 5 days before and after my Salt Lake Trip, and I'm over there right now as I write this.. We got into smoothies for a while, before their dad & sister freaked out over the blender being slightly broken, and they threw it out... We've watched a lot of movies, like Alien and Don't Look Up, and we finished Severance and White Lotus. We made spam musubi together because they insisted its better than the onigiri we had at my house (theyre exactly the same to me). We filed their mom's taxes and I was appalled at the things she spends so much money on (their family is very wealthy, and mine is not).

Miscellaneous

I've been getting a bit concerned about my Tanzania trip's financials.. I discovered the company my family decided to go with has really shitty refund policies. Because of this, I'm hesitant to pay the 700$ travel insurance, but I also don't want to encase I need to cancel and have absolutely 0 chance at getting my SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS back.. I think I'm gonna get a job also, so that I have extra spending money & don't worry about not having enough money during the trip (I have enough for my travel package, flight, and then 1000-2000 of spending money, depending on how I save my money the next few months..).

Because of all my socializing (I didn't even write a section on me and my best friend's hangouts, because I have less pictures for those), I've been kind of off kilter with my productivity. Its kind of bummed me to not be doing all my hobbies and tasks, even though I'm having fun being with the people I love. Once I get back from this visit with my partner, I really want to sit down and make sure I do the things I want to. I feel good when I'm productive and I haven't felt bad in my inactivity the last few weeks.

January 27th, 2025

First entry of 2025! My year has been a mixed bag for reasons I'll get into, but I'm very optimistic for the year :)

School-wise, I started taking the core classes for my new major (Computer information sciences). I was extremely scared of my first semester after switching LOL. I am very very good at school, but its all stuff I've been doing for years. I know how to write an essay, I know how to study for a math or history class, I know how long it takes me to do assignments. But in a computer class?? For half the subjects, I genuinely know nothing about them! I was petrified! But its actually gone extremely well. I have web authoring, networking, and database design - I obviously know a good bit of html, but networking and database designs are something I couldn't even give you a definition of before the last 2 weeks. I've been doing great so far and most of the concepts come to me pretty intuitively. I also have, somehow, ENJOYED doing my homework for these classes... I think as a good academic student, I was just bored of doing the same english, history, science and math stuff I'd been doing my whole life. So these new types of assignments have been very stimulating and interesting for me.

I have a looot more free time this semester. I have had the self control to complete assignments the day they're assigned and have my weekends completely free. This means I've had more time to hobbymaxx (and I was doing this on winter break too) than any previous semesters. I've been studying my languages, drawing, writing, making music, listening to new albums, etc etc at the same pace I was during winter break :D I fucking love having busy, productive days.... I don't see taking breaks as taking a bad thing so I always have ample breaks between tasks and also usually 1 day a week I just chill the fuck out, so I rarely get burnt out. I love having so many different hobbies to choose between :) I picked up journalling and knitting again, which have both been very relaxing for me.

I haven't used twitter in 3 weeks also :3 I haven't been on social media in general - no instagram or tumblr, except to post art. Its been interesting. I have a lot of downtime and haven't quite figured out how to fill it yet.. like 60% of my old social media time is now used for hobbies, etc, but that 40% I do genuinely just stare at the wall and do nothing. I guess thats just what life was like before technology ...? Anyways because of this, I've been talking to my friends more one on one which has been very rewarding. I made a discord server for my friends in December and it has miraculously lasted over a month. I dm people more often. I hang out with my irl best friend every week, and we've been going to more raves and parties. I feel super socially fulfilled..

This all sounds super good, so what have the bad parts been?? Well, firstly, since I got my IUD my periods have been 8 days instead of my usual 2!! When I'm on my period I feel so gross, I get emotional talking to people, I don't feel like doing anything. I'll hopefully return to my usual periods in a few months but, ugh, it sucks right now. I've also been fixing my sleep schedule which is a bit of challenge.. The first week or 2 i always feel sooo tired. I have had a few days this month where I was a zombie who laid in bed all day because I was too exhausted to do anything, but couldn't sleep or nap. Luckily I'm out of that now and should STAY out of it if I keep my sleep schedule good.. I've been waking up at 6-8 everyday :).

The other meh thing is with my partner. They live an hour and a half away so I just go over to see them twice a month. Which was fine during the school year, I'd go over for 3 days and be fine. But I was there for 6-7 days at a time during winter break. Which was awesome while I'm there! But then the week afterwards, we don't talk as much as usual. This is reasonable!!! Like I also don't feel that compelled to talk to them constantly after I see them, and I understand that for them too. But unfortunately I am still a disordered bitch so, I have had quite a few freakouts about feeling like they didn't love me anymore, that they were ignoring me, stuff like that. We talked about it a few times and I feel better now. They fixed the specific things that were bothering me, but it did eat up a lot of time this month. When I feel like this, it can be difficult for me to do anything for hours and I end up crying for hours on end. This worked in conjunction with my extended period and I spent almost a whole week crying and feeling like they hated me. But this was a temporary issue, so I'm still pretty excited for the year.

December 31st, 2024

Final entry of 2024! Wow! I will now have been running this website over 3 seperate years (2023-now), although it hasn't actually been running for 3 years hehe. Right now I'm at my partners house. My new years plans didn't go as planned and I'm semi-upset about it, but I'm fine. I wanted to be at my house for New Years Eve, with my siblings, and we were going to have a party. Then I realized my partner was hosting an event on the 31st (I thought it was the 30th!) and I almost started crying. But then, I was informed that my sister was sent to the psychward literally 5 minutes after. And it was like, well the party isn't happening anyways so it doesn't matter I guess.

I have outlined my new years goals. I did a good job completing them this last year, so I figured I'd make a little outline of how I want next year to go. I wrote out a specific studyplan for Swahili to help me get to A2 in time for my trip to Tanzania. I want to maximize my productivity even more by having an even better sleep schedule & completing my homework the day its assigned. I've started journalling/scrapbooking (I am combining things into one) and have set up my planner. I'd like to listen to more full albums so I set up this page to write about each album I listen to. I'd also like to have a page like this for books, but I haven't finished anything to start a page yet.

I am aiming to use social media less and opt for messaging people individually/on servers more. I have mixed feelings on this one, I may change it. I like social media for the ability to update the 30-ish people who care about me at once. Its not pheasible to message every single person. Although most of my friends joined my discord server, obviously not everyone is going to stay active. so instead I'm just going to shrink my social media usage instead of cutting it out entirely. I'm making a new twitter account to follow only my friends so that theres no one else on my timeline (I'll mute their retweets and such so its ONLY them).

I've been at Magna's since the 27th, having a really fun nice time. I did also add to this after New Years, so I can confidently say we had a good new years. They hosted an event on a dead shooter from 2009, neotokyo, and like 10 of their friends joined. I have never played a shooter before but it seemed pretty simple so I joined too, and I actually kinda enjoyed it. I don't really enjoy the competetive nature of shooters so I doubt I'll get into them after this, but I had fun in this low-pressure setting.

I reaallllyy like Magna. So much. a lot has happened the last few days that has affirmed my decision to date them. They really are perfect to me.

November 30th, 2024

Hi! Realized it was the end of the month and I needed to get a new blog entry out :p My month was mostly really awesome, but there was some shitty aspects as well. I'll start with the shitty part since its shorter. My mom has been.. really upsetting me lately. I've been crying about her a lot. She told me a bunch of information from my childhood that I hadn't quite connected and its sort of been haunting me. I learned also she sexually assaulted someone in my family while on meth (and in a psychotic episode) and I can't get it out of my head. Like, especially because I learned around the same time that my dad sexually assaulted HER, its just like...a lot to process about these people who matter so much to me. But the rest of my month has been superb, let me get into it :)

My month started by seeing my partner (From October 30th-November 2nd) for Halloween. This was AWESOME, I had so much fun! It was fun to have them over while I was drinking caus when I'm drunk I always really want them LOL and they were right there....I was attached to their side the whole night, babbling about how much I liked them and the such. Pictures below.


Next I went on a trip to Salt Lake City with my close friends Skylar and Danny! I've met Skylar irl before but I never have Danny - It was exactly as I expected it. It felt so right to be there with them. We ate out a lot; I had some incredible Ethiopian, Indian, and breakfast diner food. My favourite part was going to the salt flats. We drove off the side of the road a few miles out and there was nothing in all directions for as far as the eye could see. It was really beautiful too. We drank and smoke a Lot, I was not sober for most of it. I enjoyed it quite a lot but it made me realize the constant partying & nonsober lifestyle is not for me, I'm much happier just doing it on occasion.


Last big event, I went to my partner's for Thanksgiving. Once again, sooooooo awesome. I really enjoyed the conversations we had this time around, I also monologued a fair amount to them which is also fun. Mostly about linguistics and history and such. I felt really complete to be over at my partners house with their family for Thanksgiving.. like yeah of course I am, thats how an adult relationship is. Its awesome. Their family was very cheeky about like "we'll see you again in a few weeks" because they know I'll be back (we live an hour apart and neither of can drive so I visit for a few days twice a month).


Other miscellaneous stuff going on.. I decided my major will be Computer Information Systems. I signed up for all the core classes for it next semester already. I'm really excited because i'm sort of bored with school, like I KNOW the format. I know how an English class goes, I know how to write an essay, I know how to study for math, I know how to take notes, I already know so much of the stuff I'm learning. I'm bored!!! But these computer classes will be fresh in many ways, stuff I've never learned before, and I'm so excited to be CHALLENGED. And have to WORK to LEARN. I have barely drawn this month, just hasn't been the vibe to be honest.. I've been playing bass, keyboard, focusing on Swahili & Norwegian and my other hobbies instead of drawing.

October 28th, 2024

Hi! I was debating writing this on Halloween since itd be an eventful day, but I knoooww I wouldn't get it out on time. And I don't want to miss a month again. Halloween will be awesome though!! Zoe & Carmen are hosting a huge halloween party with like 20 people, so that'll be cool. My partner is coming over for it, and then the day after I'll stay over at their house :3 I'm a normal amount of excited......... I do have a lot of responsibilities to fullfil before it though. A quiz and an assignment for psych, and a quiz and assignment for my history class. I especially need to have my shit in order caus I have ANOTHER week of activites next week so! I refuse to let my grades slip caus my social life is active rn...

Whats happening next week? I'm going on a roadtrip with Skylar and Danny to salt lake :3 I'll miss 1 day of class, so I'll proooobably be fine, but I will have a history quiz due that weekend so.... I might have to do it on the bus otw back to Colorado. I'm sooooooooo responsible I'm soooooooooooo responsible. Unfortunately I couldn't do many of these assignments early caus they contain information we haven't gone over in class yet :/ severely annoying!! Sometimes there are things I can do ahead of time, but the stars didn't align this time. I also have a busy week... Doing work for my grandma & going over to my mom's, on top of my assignments so. Eugh. Hopefully I can get it all done.

My dad is pissing me off moderately. I mean, he has been, but this week was soooooooo. He blew up at me caus I didn't do the dishes the day he asked me to. But I've been sick, my whole house has been sick, thats why the dishes got behind!! I don't understand why the whole world gets to stop when he gets sick but if I don't want to dishes nauseous & foggy, I'm the worst in the world. He has been annoying me severely the last few months - Its really obvious lately that none of my siblings or I like him rn and we've been avoiding him. We've barely been talking to him. His girlfriend pisses me off too, she NEVER does any chores. Me and my siblings do all the housework, without asking!!!!!!!! Why does she get to do nothing!!!!!!!

Ugh otherwise.. I've been sort out of it and unproductive but I'm trying not to get mad at myself over it. I've been hungry and stuff. I've started drawing more regularly again, keeping up with my Swahili, and practicing my music theory stuff on the keyboard, so its fine I guess. I'm kind of reaching for things to even talk about LOL my life has been so stagnant lately... Uhmmmm small thing, yesterday was 1 month with my partner, and so that was pretty cool. They are a lot more private of a person than me and I knew they were waiting for us to be together for a while (we were flirting for a month b4 we were dating too) before really saying anything, so I was very pleased to find them sending people the explicitly romantic gift art I made for them and stuff. And uploading all my art for them to toyhouse :3 small thing but very awesome and exciting to me...

September 18th, 2024

Hi! My life has sort of been miserable since college started. Well, halfway. I feel fine emotionally, I'm having fun with my friends and such but I just have nooo drive to do anything!!! Doing my coursework has been an uphill battle... My first essay of the semester was the written a few hours before it was due caus I couldn't bring myself to touch it before that. I have done almost nothing of my hobbies the last month :/ No drawing, no updating this website, no instruments, only a little bit of my languages, like ahh!!!!!!!!!!! I just.. have no energy at all. The combo of my dad not feeding us properly and now having to walk 3 miles a day is killing me. Its so hard to do anything at all.

I'm trying to hold on to my friends but its hard sometimes. Theres been a few occasions my friends online were calling and it took me hours to muster up joining, if I did at all. Sometimes I'll be on and suddenly get very annoyed or not want to be there anymore - the energy in interaction is just too much. But I'll keep trying, I'll keep joining calls and making plans and trying to be apart of their lives. If I lose this, then I'll have nothing right now.

I have been talking with this person for a few months, I think I started crushing on them in July. And all of August my friends watched me talk about how I was unsure if they liked me at all, how I felt like they could just act like this to everyone. But now I am more than certain. And I'm pretty excited. I will not write too extensively, but I have some things planned for when I see them irl in a week. They live nearby, like an hour and a half away, so I'll actually get to see them semi-regularly. I don't tend to see people more than once or twice a month anyways, so it'll be fine. I hope. But I really really like them, I feel like exploding all the time.

Its really nice to like someone Not in the batshit obsessive way. My last relationship formed out of an obsession (not sure if I have bpd, but in a similar manner to having a favourite person) and it was. sooooooooooo. up and down. It was my 3rd time in that rodeo, and I got pretty good at handling it. He told me that he didn't even know I had an unbearable obsession with him, but it was MISERABLE for me. Every action I took was based around him, whether he actually gave an opinion on it or not. I like the situation I have now where of course I think about them a lot, I want their attention, but my mood is not entirely dependant on them. I don't freak out and have breakdowns because they aren't talking to me, I don't get scared when they speak in a different tone than usual, I'm just NORMAL!!!!!!!!!! I highly doubt it'll turn into an obsession, since historically my interest in people like that is decided from the moment I meet them, instead of developing over time.

Its also really really nice to like someone who actually reciprocates the way I do. Like, in every single one of my past relationships there was a significant gap in interest. In the previous obsession I mentioned, I liked him way more than he liked me. I dated someone who was obsessed with me, and he liked me way more than I liked him. My 2 most recent relationships were not quite as unbalanced, but we never seemed to line up. Like, when I was super invested in them, they'd be absent. When they were interested in me, I'd be distant. It wasn't the worst, but it made me grow to not care for them very much. We weren't consistently doing relationship things, and my interest waned. But so far this person has a very matched interest in me, so. Yay.

Some part of me is scared that now that sexual intimacy is apart of my relationships now (as opposed to when I was dating at 13-17, where it was pretty much irrelevant besides making out occasionally), it'll take them over. Like, I want sex obviously, but I don't want that to be my only purpose you know. I want to also fondly think about doing other things; Going out, giving gifts, watching stuff together, going to concerts, eating food together, cuddling, whatever. Stuff that isn't sexual. So far this isn't really an issue either but I get a bit ahead of myself. I've watched it happen with my friends relationships and I don't want that for me.

yeah. thats a lot about my current developing relationship, but thats really all thats going for me right now. i come home and rot after class, do nothing, and sometimes call my friends, sometimes call them.

August 16, 2024

Hi!! Although this is a normal interval to update my blog, I do feel from my perspective its been a terribly long time. Usually I update my website 5-10 times a month, and then I post one blog a month, but I haven't updated this thing at all! I've felt quite lazy lately to be honest. I have been drawing a fair bit, but nothing else. No websites, no lanuages, no writing, no music, whatever. Its way after I got back from my trip, I should feel refreshed by now.. but alas. I guess it makes sense. College starts in a week and a half, and along with taking 3 classes, I'll be working part time. I am not really surprised or mad at myself for resting as much as possible before all these responsibilities set in. Ahhh

Yesterday I had an insightful conversation with a longtime friend of mine. He had stopped talking to me in the last year, and I knew he didn't completely hate me since we kept in some touch, but I asked him directly what happened. He was straightforward and honest, telling me about how frustrating some of my behavior had been during the 2023 fall college semester (the last time we'd really spoke). It was all completely justified, and so I've been pondering quite a bit the last few days. I know I have flaws, obviously, but no one is ever direct about them, so I am prone to unknowingly feeding them more and more until it causes some breaking point for those around me. Point is, I now know a few things I need to work on about myself and I am feeling pretty hopeful. He said he didn't hate me, but just couldn't deal with those things at the time, and I think thats reasonable.

I relistened to the Magnus Archives, which unsurprisingly has become a huge hyperfixation for me. I decided to start relistening to it on the flight back from DC on the 13th, and I managed to finish all 200 episodes in 28 days. Its a bit silly to say, but I am a bit sad it replaced my hetalia hyperfixation so quickly... That one was no where near burning out, I probably couldve liked it for a few more months without getting bored. Its somewhat hard for me to balance my interests LOL, I typically like one media at a time. Ill see art or analysis of my other interests online and go :D but ultimately it does not strike in me that strong a sense of excitement.. anyways anyways. I'll be working on a Magnus shrine page today so you can hear more of my thoughts there :)

My friend Skylar started working on their own site more, which is fun to watch. Shes tried a few times unsuccessfully, as she found html hard and frustrating, but its finally clicked and shes been working on her site nonstop the last week. It is inspiring to me, mostly as we have very different visions of ours sites. Mine is just a personal site to harbour my interests, thoughts, and stuff, but hers is more creative? There are stories within the pages, almost like a game, and secrets to be found. All the pages have very different themes and contents, which is cool to me. I've felt somewhat limited on my own site at times because I keep the same header at the top of each page - its hard for me to make major aesthetic differences on each page. But I like seeing how they work on their site.

College starts soon, I'm a bit nervous. I'm taking 3 classes this semester- my last 4 I've only taken 2. Of course that was because I was dualenrollment in highschool, but I am a tad concerned if I'll be able to keep up with the workflow. I am taking music theory, intro to psychology, and a modern history class. I chose (presumably) easier, chiller classes as a test for my workload since its my first semester as a real college student. Music theory I hope will help me finally get into music, psychology is an extension of my interest in sociology now that I've taken quite a few soc classes, and I've been aching to take a history class for a while now. My college is unfortunately lacking in history and geography classes - The geo class I wanted most was during the same block as my music theory class, so I had to compromise for a history class that interested me slightly less.

July 1st, 2024

Woops! This is the first time I've ever missed a month D: I've just been really busy! Since the 14th, I've been on my trip to the East coast with my best friend! I've had a really good time so far social-wise! I know its normal to be tired on vacation, but I've been bummed on how little energy I've had for hobbies like updating my website, languages, etc :( I've drawn a bit, and actually completed my first art fight attack today, but obviously not as much as usual. I just usually am such a hobby-driven person, I spend all day bouncing between coding and making music and drawing and writing, that the fact I've done nearly nothing has driven me a bit insane. especiallyyyy the fact ive had no energy to study either of my languages >_< I know when I get back I'll have to do a thorough review to get my skills back to where they were after a month of nonuse. My Norwegian is probably fine, but I've only been studying Swahili for 3 months so its not as cemented in my mind.

I've gone a ton of places already :D The day I arrived, I vended last minute at a furry convention. I got there straight from the airport after being awake for over 24 hours, with no set up, and made my prices on the spot. The day afterward, me Mae and Cece headed to the outerbanks. Mae's family has a beach house there - it was the cheapest one on the block, but still was insanely expensive (and nice). We stayed there for 4 days before heading back to DC.

A lot has happened. We've driven all over, met up with another one of our discord friends, gone to a handful of people's houses, went to pride (while fursuiting! In 100 degrees!), spray painted in tunnels under the highway, picked up spiders, swam, stayed up way too late on Mae's boyfriends kitchen floor just talking, ate at crazy expensive restaurants, gone to multiple concerts - the whole lot of it. I've had a lot of fun, and I only have 10 days left :( I thought I was excited to go home, but I'm really not. My family is extremely poor, and I'll miss getting every meal like I have here. My best irl friend is going on his own trip to Denmark 2 weeks after I get back, so I'll be alone again in my home town.

These vacations are really bittersweet once I return home, really. It shows me that I can have friends, and people who love to spend time with me, but its all gone once I get back to my stupid middle of nowhere conservative town. It shows me that local art scenes can be incredible, and that being apart of a scene is rewarding. Now that I'm about to be 18, I'd love to organize events myself. Or get more involved. My irl best friend Cotton found a punk basement show, maybe I can check that out and finally get involved in whatever is going on over here. We have a basement now too, I'd love to host little parties or music events. Anyways, I just really really need to build these positive systems at home too. I don't think sometimes my friends understand how fucking lucky they are to live in an area with a bustling indie scene and are born with money.

Today, me and Mae went to 2 book stores. I was on the hunt for books in Norwegian & Swahili. I naively thought that Swahili, being the language with 300 speakers (as opposed to Norwegian, which has 5 million) would be easier to find books in. Well, no, eurocentrism wins again!!! We actually only found one book in ANY african language (somali) like what!! I found 4 books in Norwegian, which I am excited to read. One is about patterns used on clothes/furniture/tableware, one is about the impact of the atomic bomb, one is a collection of childrens stories, and the last is a sex education book. I got my first book in Norwegian (Naiv Super) a few weeks ago, and I'm still working through it, but its exciting to have more. I did also get ahold of a Swahili dictionary - I don't have one yet, so thats a win. I also got some fact books on reptiles, snakes, and trains. I Also found a huge box of sputnik, a soviet-run magazine, and ot 4 of them. I'm very excited to read through them and see what type of information they were allowed to share in there :p

May 24th, 2024

Hi! The anniversary of when I first created this website was today! Its interesting to think of how different of a place I'm in now. I made this website as a project for the summer - Now I'm starting new summer projects (and I'm graduated. So, its summer forever). My friendships with people I wrote about a year ago have strengthened, or I actually don't know them at all anymore. I have a different rotation of interests and priorities. Cool!

Anyways, what's going on right now? Well I announced my comic and am writing this while taking a break from working on the panels. I honestly have no clue how manageable making a comic is for my stamina.. It didn't seem too unreasonable, I draw quite a lot, but we'll see how I feel balancing personal work, comic work, and commissions/gifts. I honestly do not have as much of the story planned as I maybe should. I've always been a go with the flow type of person, and I have done more complex planning than any story I've ever written, so I'm not really concerned with it. I know what needs to happen will happen. I also have a fair bit of leeway seeing as I'll be going on a trip right after releasing the first chapter - I will be able to sit down and work on the story if I need to while also having an excuse not to update. We'll see!

I graduated highschool on the 22nd. My graduation party is tomorrow, on the 25th. I've recieved a good chunk of money as gifts and have some spending money for my trip. The tickets are bought as well, the dates finalized, me and my best friends plans on what we'll do each day outlined.. They will be working during the summer so I'll have time at their house to keep up my hobbies like languages, working on my comic, this website, etc. My graduation gift from my dad was a record player, with 2 boxes of records donated by my grandma. I am really excited to use it, I've listened to the vinyls I already own and this will surely encourage me to expand my collection.

How are my goals going.... Well, I've kept up with Swahili and Norwegian. It hasn't been everyday, but I'm definitely progressing. I started reading a book in Norwegian (Naiv Super - Its a very recommended book because the sentence structure is quite simple). I've been really afraid of my vocabulary diminishing after I stopped using Duolingo, but realistically if I keep reading and watching stuff in it, I'm going to be okay!!! I know around 2000 words, they're not gonna disappear overnight. I've been continuing to use the Language Transfer Swahili course and learning more complex grammar concepts & more vocabulary. My next goal was to work on music more and to be honest, I've done literally nothing. I haven't played my keyboard, bass, or opened ableton since my break started 2.5 weeks ago. I have some ideas I'd like to follow through on, so maybe I'll get around to it soon. I haven't been unproductive by any means, but I tend to do like.. one thing a day. I draw OR I update my website OR I call my friends, etc. It hasn't been on my radar yet unfortunately.

I've been lazing around a lot but I don't think thats unexpected for a recent graduate. I've been a bit sleep deprived and quite hungry, so obviously my motivation isn't fully there. The important thing is that I don't feel bad or depressed, and I don't, I've just been a bit suboptimal. I never really get mad at myself for being unproductive, but note it and go hmmm, it would be nice to do some more stuff soon. I checked out 2 books from the library that are due in 6 days and I haven't touched either of them. I need to at least read one so I can extend the hold on the other. They both were interesting subjects so, I know once I sit down and start it'll be easier.

May 8th, 2024

Hi! This blog entry will function more as goals & events for the summer, rather than a recollection of the past month! To start though, I'd like to say I ended this semester with a 98% in Algebra and 99% in Sociology >_< Summer break starts today! What do I wish to accomplish these next few months...

I have 3 main goals: Create music, practice Swahili, and start my comic.
First, I want to create a foundation of skill in music. During the school year, its quite hard for me to make time for music in my schedule because its just so much time to master a new(ish) skill! If I can understand my flow better, how to form basic structures for songs, etc, it will become tremendously easier to just Sit Down And Work On Music like I can with visual art or coding.

Secondly, I want to dive more into Swahili. I am aiming for an A2 level, although I don't know if thats pheasible in 3.5 months, so I won't hold myself to that. I just want to be able to express myself more completely. Along with this, I'd like to improve my reading comprehension in Norwegian by reading more articles and books.

Last, I will start my comic "The Windows Have Fogged"! I have done basic outlining and am working on filling in more details. I'd like to get the first chapter out before the end of May. This is my first time hosting a webcomic and I'm honestly more concerned with understanding the comic writing process & getting it done rather than being particularly good. There may be plotholes, it may be boring at parts, the pacing may be bad, the art may be lackluster. I just want to know what its like and finish a longterm project!

I also have some more material goals. I need to make paws for Sylvia before anthrocon - i have a month and a half before I'll leave for my trip. This really should be no problem, I'll just need to find a pattern and get sewing - I already have all the supplies! Speaking of anthrocon, I would also like to take at least 3 more commissions before anthrocon so I can have a bit more spending money. I of course need to upkeep my current skills, like in Norwegian, and keep up with commissions. I'd like to try and go outside more because I know I can become quite cooped up over the summer. I have Mauricio & Brenda I can hang out with - I'll try to make plans with them.

I have some other goals like doing more research and just... learning more. I like learning a lot, it always feels like I'm not doing as much as I could. To keep myself accountable for this, I was thinking of starting a section on my blog for deepdives. Just a place to record whatever I learned that day. It would also be a fun opportunity to experiment with page layouts that fit the topic of discussion.

MY TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dios mio my trip! From mid-June to mid-July I'll be on the east coast again with my best friend Mae! We have quite a few plans this year, I am so so excited. I will go to our friend Cece's birthday, and also a pride event. The main attraction is anthrocon in July, in which I'll also meet my online friend Khepri & get to know some of Mae's other irls! Mae's furry irls and I are going to go hiking and the such, and pretend to be animals in the woods #furry. Me and Mae would also like to work on a memorial for our late friend Claudia, maybe we'll finally get the chance irl to cry about it together. I may have an early birthday party while I'm over there too. Lots of fun stuff, I am so very excited!!!

April 27th, 2024

Hello! If you regularly read my diary, you may have noticed a trend of my life going more and more downhill! Well, that has continued along steadily. Or, kind of. My environment has stayed relatively the same, it seems my inner world has become less stable. My mom has continued into her current schizophrenia episode, and my sister has informed me of more concerning behavior from her as she's ran into her at the park and stuff. She keeps losing /all/ of her stuff! She's not even homeless anymore but still manages to get her purse n phone stolen every other goddamn week! Recently she even lost the keys to her apartment - I don't know if shes got them back since her phone is lost, she hasn't been able to message my family and has only been found by my sister while shes out n about.

As for myself, I've been drinking more and more. Drinking used to be a once a month (or less) thing for me, in 2023 I drank 8 times. So not even once a month. For the last month and a half however, I've been drinking Every weekend. I know thats not as bad as multiple times a week or everyday, but I know this is related to my already deteriorating mental state, so I am preceeding with caution. I don't think its good for my 5'3 liver either lol. Its fun and the only time I get to bond with my sister since she's barely home anymore & when she is, doesn't feel up to talkimg.

During my most recent drinking expedition, I was pretty upset. Usually my mind is clear & it makes me feel better, but this time stirred a lot of bad emotions. I ended up cutting. The alcohol was numbing my pain receptors and I managed to do some pretty deep cuts. For the first time ever, I hit fat. It was so fucking weird. It was also weird because it didn't hurt at all, and usually cutting even styros for me is noticably painful. Now, not to expose myself as a freak, but I've lurked on self harm communities online for years and have seen fat cuts ('beans') before many times, and had even wanted to try to get one myself at one point. Now, I think I'm good! The initial cut was pretty satisfying and it bled a lot, but the aftercare is SO ANNOYING. I also don't have access to good medical supplies, so I'm really scared of it getting infected. I've been covering it with taped-down paper towel and washing around the wound with saline solution 3 times a day, but I may need to get anti bacterial cream or real bandages if it starts to look infected.

Now what lead me to feel this bad? I'm just generally really demotivated. I had a streak of 2 weeks where I quite literally did nothing - no art, no coding, no music, and I barely got my school assignments finished. In this time, I wrote an essay I despised (I got 100% on it somehow, truthfully beyond my knowledge, since I wrote it the day it was due). I got a lower score on an essay I actually tried on (not a bad score.. a 90 but i usually get 96-100%) which demotivated me a lot. I had a math exam I was sure I would flunk, and ended up slightly cheating on. The 2 days after, I had panic attacks so bad I had to force myself to nap to stop my freakouts. When I got the score back, an A, and I wasn't caught for cheating, I felt so relieved. But in the back of my mind I worry that my professor is some cruel one who will only reveal the 0 to me at the end of the semester, rendering my overall grade a C instead of an A. I have never heard of a professor doing this but I am still scared.

My personal projects have.. been a struggle. I have a paint sample commission I need to beginc crafting soon. I am planning to run a comic over the summer to help keep me busy among the emptiness, but I have had no motivation to start writing it all out. I've barely been drawing, not even doodles on class work. I also found out I'll be vending at a show this summer, and need to order some pins/stickers as soon as possible, but haven't gotten around to it yet. My graduation party is next month on the 25th, and I haven't yet mailed out my invitations yet. I have done nearly no creative tasks of any caliber.

Its not all bad. I got back into genshin and had a lot of fun catching up on Sumeru & Fontaine. My interest in hetalia remains. I hang out with Brenda a few times a week and call my online friends. I got a 1000$ scholarship I didn't even apply for, and had a really good interview with another scholarship I am confident I'll be getting. I've found a lot of incredible music this month and expanded my horizons quite a lot. I got a few commissions and now have some spending money, so I ordered a casette of my current fav album Anon Playable Cloud. I've started putting in more effort to message my friends and feel more secure in my relationships. My mood is very hit or miss, similar to how it was for most of my life until the last year, but my base is stable enough that a few days/weeks of feeling bad can ultimately be overcome. I'm sure this summer will be better <3

March 28th, 2024

Hello.... Wow I have a lot to share. This month hasn't been very good, or a mixed bag at best. My mom relapsed on meth, and now has a bunch of Stuff going on that I don't fully know the details to because it changes everyday. She lost her car and phone so its hard to keep in contact with her. She shows up at our house randomly despite living 5 miles away. She went to detox for one day, then came back for 3 days, then was at the hospital for 2 days, and I don't.. even know at all. She got her kittens seized by the animal shelter, I think her apartment is in limbo too because the place she lives has a strict no drug policy. I think that sucks - I think putting a lot of recently addicted, formerly homeless people in one building and instantly taking away the only housing they've had in months because they relapsed for an ADDICTION is unfathomably shitty. Its causing a lot of emotions around my mom, and the trailer, and everything from the last 4 years to bubble. My general mood is just.. low.

Its been hard to get myself to do things. Not having highschool leaves me with a lot of free time, and I've been to ill to really take advantage of it. I've been trying to get a job, but I've gotten 2 rejections and countless no-responses. I went to the job fair today and didn't find many opportunities either. I REALLY need a job, I need to be able to pay for my trip this summer, my freelance commission work isn't going to cut it. But at the same time, maybe it'd be better if I focus on getting my license and passing college. After I turn 18 in July, there will be a LOT more job opportunities available to me (dude its insane, even many minimum wage retail/food type jobs in my area require you to be at least 18???). I don't know. I need to talk to my dad about what is pheasible. If I don't get a job, he'll be the one helping pay for it, but he's also saving for his own trip next year and I don't want to take all his money. Ugh.

I rewatched hetalia. Its been fun, I got super hyperfixated on it n drew 20 drawings for it in a week lol. I think my mind is trying to hold onto old comforts & things from my past - I loved hetalia in 6th grade. Its fun to see my current takes on things I remember liking/disliking years ago. The major changes are idgaf about the nordics now (used to be the only guys I cared about.. insane) and Love all the baltic & slavic countries. I'm also a lot more critical now that I'm not Ten Years Old and can see a lot more of the flaws in the series. Simultaneously though, I don't think it deserves quite as much hate as its gotten over the years. It was a bit embarassing to tell all my friends that was what I liked right now but I did anyways and no one seems to really care.

On the 26th I went to the glass beach concert with Maddie!! We talked a lot in the car and at the concert, I had a really good time My other friend Mina had planned to go, but couldn't make it. I had a LOT of fun, it was such a good concert & I really enjoyed meeting Maddie. Meeting my internet friends is always so much fun, and its cool since she's from a discord server of my close friends that I've already met 2 of em irl already, so I'm like collecting my discord server friends hehe. If there's another concert we both want to go to, probably car seat headrest, we plan to do this again. Her house is really conveniently on the way to Denver from our house so it works perfectly. I also met a cool person at the concert, we exchanged twitters & discords n talked a little bit. I hope to talk w/ them more, they've been really fun so far :3

Hehe i keep meaning to put more images in my blog posts, finally I've done it lol.

March 5th, 2024

So, this last week has sucked lol!! Mae discovered that our friend Claudia had died. We had been worried about her for months, but optimistically hoped her mom sent her to rehab or something. No, she died, of an overdose in fucking August. The night of her last message too. I cried nonstop the first 3 days. Since, I've been a little more composed and doing normal life things, but I still feel like shit. I miss her. I can't believe shes gone, its not real, its the internet! She should be able to come back at any moment and we'd all go, ah Claudia we've missed you! What have you been up to! She's someone I talked to every week for 2 years, she mattered to me a fucking lot. She deleted a lot of her photography, her main thing, after we'd respond to them so we don't even have a lot of her art. Mae is writing a letter and sendind flowers to her mom on behalf of all of us.

Me and Mae had previously discussed if Claudia ever overdosed and I feel so guilty about it now. Seeing those messages from 2021 made me feel sick, like little did we know, 2 years later! It also makes me sick how long it took to find out. We found the death report in February, and it had been released in late January. She died in August. Thats a long fucking time for that info to be released! Thats why we didnt think she was dead!!! Because we're all pretty tech savvy, and the fact we couldn't find anything under her name made us think, surely she can't actually be dead? This feels like a scenario I've been dreading since I started having internet friends. She's my second friend I've lost to overdose. Probably won't be the last. I hate the state of life for trans people.

Its really hard to process my feelings about it. I know this is a common mourning feeling, but it feels like continuing my life is like forgetting her. Every moment I'm not grieving or crying, I am farther from her memory. I already feel like I don't remember a lot - We talked so often that didn't spare special attention to our interactions. Rereading the convos on our server is so weird, I don't exactly remember them, but they're what exists of us together. We've called a handful of times but I don't remember what the fuck we talked about, I just have screenshots of us all on call. It sucks. She missed so many milestones already, before we even knew she was dead. Mae's 18th & starting T - which stings especially since everyone celebrated when those things happened for her (E for her tho), and now she'll never get to for anyone else. Her username on discord still says "Im here just less active", like, no, you're not! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

What else sucked this week? Well blackwinterwells also got accused of being a pedophile/groomer a few days ago. I feel really confused because no one has shown an ounce of evidence, or even told any details on what happened, so I didn't initially believe it, but a looot of people are testifying against her, at least in their vague "I've known for a while" ways. It just feels weird. Its also been bothering me how Eighty is related to all this. How much does she know - Does she know and not care? If Wells is a serial abuser, is it not possible for her to have also manipulated Eighty into silence or something? Thats just me really wanting Eighty to be innocent since she is my most streamed artist ever and someone I've looked up to for years. I know shes probably complicit in this. I have stopped listening to both of their music; I couldn't if I wanted to because their voices make me feel sick.

Now I just don't know what to do with all my Eighty stuff. Half my usernames are her song. When I started this file, I copy pasted the nav bar from my 8485 page because its the first html file that shows up alphabetically. Her vinyl is on my desk and casette on my shelf. I wear her merch shirt every week. I have a shrine page for her on here, and 2 reviews of her music. 8485 is my fucking computer pin!!!!!! I know this is all very small business compared to the people that were hurt by her girlfriend, but its like overhauling a lot of my life in an already turbulent time. I was listening to their music while grieving. I will move on, I can't bare to stand abusers, its just a bad time

Ok what else?????? Well, I need to get a job ASAP. My family is so fucking broke. I need a job asap, I finally got the email from a place I applied to and I didn't get it LOL! Its so frustrating, everywhere is urgently hiring but no one wants to fucking hire me. Ugh. I'm also so fucking hungry all the time, I don't get a lot to eat. This should be better after I graduate and won't be having to expend energy there, but the current arrangement for the last 3 months is I only get dinner, walk 3-5 miles a day and go to both highschool & college. It sucks. I'm so fucking hungry. Today 2 of my friends sent me money to get food and I was so grateful to be able to eat, but at the same time I of course had the guilt. Especially because they sent me so much. I would've taken 10 dollars and made it last 3 days bruh, but now I have a lot more. That should keep me fed until I can get a job. I guess I'll start applying to more places tomorrow.


At the very least, I'm graduating tomorrow. I am free. Even if I have to start working right after, even if my friend is dead, even if my favourite music artists are pieces of shit, even if I'm starving.... I'm out of fucking highschool forever.

February 19th, 2024

I was trying to wait until my sociology class started tomorrow to post another journal entry, but I don't think I can. If I really care about that I'll update this tomorrow and talk about sociology. For now though,

This is the worst I've felt in at least a year. This weekend was comparable to my mental state in 2021, and more specifically how I acted when Nick was my fp. I was mysteriously demotivated all weekend, with no clear indication as to why. Usually on Fridays I don't do much anyways, its my recovery day, but then it leaked into Saturday and then Sunday. I did nothing this weekend. I didn't update my website, I didn't play any music, I didn't call with my friends as much as usual, I didn't write. I read a fair bit, it was the easiest thing I could bring myself to do. I drew 2 things - One an oil pastel drawing I know sucks because none of my friends on any platform liked it. And a vent drawing I made on a call, after cutting.

Yeah I cut. I have relapsed for the first time since March of last year, nearly 11 months. I've never been one to care about staying recovered or who cares about milestones, that 11 months was more a testimony to how well I've been doing. But I broke it, and I'm scared of the upcoming months. I'm scared to mess up my highschool graduation on the very last quarter. I'm scared to flunk my college classes. I will try to keep my head high, I don't want to feel bad again! But the issue is sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I could sit in my sadness instead of always trucking along - I do sometimes, its like microdosing emotions so I dont explode later. The way I explained that is so chronically online, but thats an actual method to staying healthy, its called Not Being Repressed. But sometimes I have wished I could lay in bed all day and cry and cut and starve myself.

The most dangerous indicator this may become normal is the fact I believe I have a new fp. Ive speculated on this for a while now, but now it seems to be true. I think in fact the first time I mentioned they may be my fp was in July of 2023, but it wasn't actually to that level yet. Now though? It is, absolutely. Yesterday I forced myself to sleep for 4 hours because they did something that upset me so much, and then I woke up and immediately cut. That is some 2022 Killian behavior! That is how I acted during the time I was in a relationship with my last fp! Its been a year since I broke contact with him, maybe its about time I got a new one. I hated having these feelings for the first time in a year because I knew exactly what they were, and I didn't want them, but I don't know how to not have them. I realized this is why I must have felt demotivated - I didn't feel like I was getting the right attention from my fp.

I am graduating soon. Really soon. On March 7th, but I believe I'll be out of school on the 5th caus thats when my last finals are. Thats 15 days from now, and only 9 days of actually being in school (probably 7, considering I skip at least once a week, but I want to try and have one full week before I graduate). We planned the outline of my graduation party yesterday. I am excited for the money gifts caus I'll need them for my summer trip lol. The last 2 years I paid for my summer trip with tax return money, but my dad started making more last year, so we won't have such a high tax return this year. Must stay strong for my summer trip......

Mauricio is coming over after class today. I halfway wanted to be alone today, but what good has that brought me all weekend? So it'll probably be fine. It'll either make me feel better, or just the same, and either way its not getting Worse. Hopefully he'll go home at like 7, so that I can have a normal amount of tiem to recuperate before bed. Me and Brenda are going to the museum next weekend as well, I'll bring that up to her today. Not that shes forgot, just don't know if she's told her mom. I was just talking to Danny, an online friend, about this, but I don't really know how I feel about having irl friends. I've been so lonely for so long that I thought this was what I wanted, but now I have it, and I dunno. Maybe they're not the right people or something. But the thing is I'm never close with people if they're Not the right people - If Brenda and Mauricio weren't actually people I enjoyed spending time with, I wouldn't. And its not like I don't enjoy our time together, I do, its just.. not what I envision having friends is like. I don't know. I think its just draining. I call my online friends 3-5 times a week, and I hang out with someone irl every weekend, but its so much.

January 21, 2024

I'm writing this as I dry a single towel in the dryer so I can shower.... There was quite literally no towels available, quite annoying!! Anyways, hello, time for my monthly blog post. The school semester has just started, and prospects are looking good honestly! My singular friend from highschool, Brenda, is in my college algebra class!! We were in algebra together and worked super well together; I'm so excited to see her again. So far after each class we've talked for an hour in the student commons, I hope thats a semester-wide thing :3 I also have Onyx in sociology 2 (altho that class doesn't start until February) so I'll be seeing one of my friends everyday! I'm quite worried about passing algebra, but we'll deal with those roads as they come.

January 11th to 15th, Cyborg was at my house. It was interesting caus it was so different to my usual seeing an internet friend thing. When I saw Qula and Nick, our behavior was pretty predictable since we were dating. Mae and Cece I treated like any irl friend my age. But Cyborg is like, 9 years older than me, and it was kinda weird. It felt like whenever we were in the same room I had to fight for my life to decide where to sit because he's not a stranger, I'm not gonna sit across the room or anything. But like, if it was Mae I would've sat right by him. But its just weird ok. It was fun tho. My favourite part was when we jammed (me on keyboard and him on guitar), it made me want to get better at playing music so I could do this with people more often.

I have gotten so obsessed with to-do lists and the sort in the last 6 months, my life is so organized... I also set some clear goals for myself this year. Firstly, I want to uload to youtube once a month. I was in an aniamtion rut last year and barely made anything which makes me sad caus animation is my fav art to look back on. I'm halfway done with the Destroya pmv; I'll either finish it all the way or just loop what I do have. My second goal is to release an EP. This is just a more formal way of organizing my desire to make music, and have a concrete idea in mind. Once I'm a bit better at keyboard I'll combine it with my bass skills and try to make something myself. Lastly, I want to pass the b1 Norwegian test. Honestly, I could probably go for b2 but I'm comfortable with just this. Norwegian has kind of gone on the backburner as I've gotten to a level where I can express myself completely without issue. I still want to study it but since I'm not living there and have no friends who speak it, I don't feel like bothering to be B2 or higher.

Today I was practicing bedroom community on the keyboard. It was a trombone version, so it was just the vocal melody, but that's fine since I don't know if I'm ready for a full piece yet. Whatever I'd be playing on a basic beginner level wouldn't be that complex anyways, I just am choosing something I'm interested in. I listened to glass beachs new album and liked it, but I'm just so incapable of caring about artists I used to be super into, and it makes me sad. Thats what it was like when the scary jokes released a new album as well. The only oldfav artist whos dropped a new album I listened to more than once was foot ox.

I love coding and the personal web so much. I joined the melonland forum and I've had so much fun on there. I made a new neocities mutual today as well - Maybe one day I'll leave twitter. I can't really see it ever happening. Its like a thing I'd want to, but twitter isnt like actually bad for me or toxic or anything since I curate my experience so much, so I have no real reason to leave. It just feels like something I /should/ do, I dunno.

December 23, 2023

Writing this at 7 am, the latest (Or perhaps earliest) time a blog has ever been written.. It's winter break and I'm having a lot of emotions over various subjects! Firstly, 2 days ago I broke up with my partner of 3 years. I've already been fretting about the emotions around this since early November, so actually doing it was greatly relieving and I have felt very good about this decision. However, before I did this, I had some stupid teenaged misbehavior moment with my father, because of how emotionally pent up I was, and I haven't spoken with him since. Its pretty easy when my sleep schedule is so messed up, sleeping at 7 and waking up at 5; I just grab dinner (breakfast), go back to my room and spend the late/early hours of the day perusing whatever I do that day. Ultimately I find it hard to care when I do something stupid that upsets my dad because I do it so infrequently, and its an inevitable part of being a teenager.

I've been on break for 4 days and done a whole lot of fucking nothing :3 As always, it feels good at first, and then you start to feel bad about it. I have also been finding it hard to care about my lack of creative projects since I know it'll be swiftly revived by Christmas. All I asked for this year was a huge pack of paint pens, and once those are in my possession I will be drawing up a storm. We are also getting a pretty fancy keyboard from my dads's mom, a yamaha tyros 3, and that will surely inspire some musicality in me. For now, I'm chilling. Its good to do nothing sometimes!! I can't even bring myself to feel guilt for inactivity anymore, although soon I need to get onto my commission queue again. That'll occur after Christmas, and hopefully be completed before January 9th, when I return to school.

How have I been filling my time then? Well 3 days in a row I partook in 9 hour calls, lasting until 6 am. This is how my sleep schedule got so fucked. Its fun tho, and interesting. All 3 times have been with Skylar and Danny, with some short appearances from Ely or Devin (?). We have discussed many subjects, played a shit ton of lethal company, Danny is mad at how good I am at connect 4, I hear of all the tales of when they used to be roommates, we share a lot of music, etc. The calling streak has ended caus they're both going back to their hometowns for Christmas (they share the same home town) so Skylar had to be responsible & not stay up til 6 am the day of a flight, etc. I enjoy calling so much, it fills such a huge void for someone with minimal irl social interaction. I think I could be socially content forever calling random people on discord if it was multiple times a week (and it has been for months).

Okay, going back to school, whats up with that? Well, this next quarter will be my last for highschool :) I can already tell it will go incredibly quickly, I'll be out of there in notime. From March to May, I will focus solely on taking my college classes. I did the math and I am set to graduate with my associates May 2025, when I'm 18. That surely will look good on any resume to a 4 year; My dad says having an associates at all is basically guaranteed admission to any college in Colorado. I'm a bit torn on my degree. I told my counselor I would pursue sociology, but he forgot in our last appointment, so I could change my mind. But I really enjoy sociology & have already taken classes that complement the degree perfectly. I know I'm smart enough for a STEM degree, and particularly something math based, but I know deep in my soul the humanities call me like no other. I can major in whatever I want too despite a sociology degree, so ultimately the stakes are very low.

November 11, 2023

Hi!! I've been really busy lately, but don't want to abandon this site :3 My schoolwork has ramped up as we reached the middle-end of the semester, and I have some pretty big projects due, but I've also been very social lately. Both irl and online my prospects are very full right now!

The main thing keeping me going right now is the fact I get to graduate in March. That is so so soon, 5 months and I'll be free!! And like 3 weeks of those months are break time, so its more like 4 months of work. Hell yeah. I also qualify for a few scholarships for graduating early & having so much college credit already, so, I'm set for college for the first 2 years basiclly. Hashtag community college. Nah but I'm so excited. Next year too I can take some music classes; I wanted to this semester but they're not apart of my dual enrollment requirements sadly.

Socializing. wow. that is the bulk of my life right now, now that I've gotten into good routines for school. I've just been talking to sooooo many people lately. Its overwhelming!!! I message at least 6 people everyday and thats sooo much Im sorry. I love talking to people but I dont knwo if Im built for th extrovert lifestyle.... Its worse irl when I literally have people competing for me time. Like, a year ago I would NOT imagine I'd ever have to decide between who to hang out with in my free time, I've never had that many options. I do enjoy it all, its just a bit much sometimes. I feel like I don't have time for my hobbies when I'm constantly calling people and hanging out and such.

The other aspect of relationships of course, is upkeep. It is not all smoothsailing! Lately I just worry a lot that people are only around me because they pity me, or they feel bad saying no, and stuff like that. Its kind of irrational, but after having a lot of irl friends who actually did not give a fuck, it feels necessary to wonder. The other part is, I don't really like who I am right now! I think I am very judgemental, and sometimes I say things that I really hope my friends don't internalize. I dunno. I feel really bad about it all right now. We survive and thrive though.

September 23, 2023

Hey :p no blog in a month but ive been doing other updates! My life is going pretty well still, but with some concerns on the horizon! I'll get into that in a bit. Right now I'm currently in a very busy part of the school year, as my highschool quarter ends and college midterm projects start getting assigned. I've had to do 2-3 assignments everyday this weekend, and I have a 4 day weekend so.. i still have more to do. Ugh!!! I'm getting it all done though, have to stay responsible... it is something to do to make me feel productive even if its easy shit.

I've kinda been slacking on Norwegian and I'm scared I'm gonna fall off!!!! I just haven't been doing the hour a day I did for the first month and a half. I also reached a point with vocabulary where I couldn't take any new ones in anymore, and needed to just stay reviewing old ones for a while to make sure I retained them. I DID learn a LOT in only a month and a half, ~1000 words, and most of thema aren't cemented for long term memory yet so, I needed to slow down. I did start reading some children's books in Norwegian though to apply my skills. Its frustrating, because within my own vocabulary I can form some pretty complex sentences. I can describe my day in detail and write short stories. But when I read other peoples short stories I realize just how many "basic" words there are. I don't know all the basic vocab.. I struggle to read other peoples simple writing!! But I'll get better :3

One of the biggest changes this month is I now have an irl social life. I went over to Onyxs house last weekend with Zac & Jasper. It was fucking awesome and so fun, I hope we do it again soon. I know we're all busy college students so plans can't work out every week, but even once a month would satiate me. I also see them all irl on Tuesdays and Thursdays between classes. Talking with Onyx and Tyler just for these last few weeks are some of the most fulfilling conversations I've had irl in years. I hope I can get even closer to them all - I've had some progress in that via sending them art and stuff online that reminds me of them. I'm really happy to have people to talk to now.

I've had very little drive for hobbies lately, I don't know why. Usually when I'm busy with school I yearn to do something I actually enjoy, but lately I'd rather be doing nothing at all. Maybe a stage of burnout? I don't know, but I'm not trying to push it. If I don't want to do much, that's okay! Just need to watch out that it isn't a permanent development or turn into depression. I try to do something everyday to keep me engaged in my interests, like draw a little or today it's updating this site, but I'm not making myself do anything too intensive.

I've been spending a lot of time on Cyborg's discord server. Its been very active since his album dropped on the 15th. Some of the new members really annoy me, but I've made my peace with it and mostly just talk to the ones I do like. We've been playing a lot of Minecraft, a lot of fucking minecraft. i love it, thats exactly what I wanted to happen. Both the discord and minecraft server are thriving.

August 26, 2023

Started the school semester! I'm actually really looking forward to it, not that I usually dread it, but it seems it will be especially good. My highschool classes are independent study trigonometry, weights, and AVID. These are all very easy, and unexpectedly I REALLY enjoy weights! I've never been the most physical person, but I think its slow nature appeals to me. As well as the fact I already 'train' my leg muscles, so now I'm just getting the upper half! My college classes are English Comp and Sociology, both of which I'm really excited for.

English Comp has an interesting project list to me, all our work will be centered around a central goal we choose at the beginning of the semester. Assuming that I choose a good topic, it should be fun the whole time. We also get to make a websiet!!! Clearly, I am excited for that. My sociology class will be a lot of work I think, but the topic is sooo intersting. I've only had one real day of class so far and even that was so cool. My mom also just enrolled in that class, so I'll be in class with my mom which is kinda funny. I don't know if I want to tell people that or just like, leave it a mystery until it gets brought up.

At college, I've met this guy named Onyx. We get along pretty well, and have talked in class a bit. I'd like to befriend him outside of class, which I aim to do more next week. I also realized Tyler already was friends w/ him which is sooo funny to me. Me and Tyler have this affinity for liking the exact same people. Funny thing, I actually thought Onyx was a trans girl when I first met them... so I told all my friends that.... I feel so bad for misgendering him, although its probably not as bad, he might even find it funny. I personally would love to be confused for "what type of trans" I am. If another trans person can't tell, how can cis people "always know"

I am very organized this semester and very proud of my efforts to maintain it. I get more organized & responsible every semester as I learn more about myself & how I work, but this is literally the peak. I don't know how I can get any more organized than this. I have a to-do list every single day, to keep me on track. Oftentimes even subsets - so I seperate my day into the morning, 'work' day, and then my nightly routine after I've completed my tasks. I've also changed some of my mindsets that were holding me back regarding breaks and not completing everything. I have no problem taking a break day if I need to, I really deserve it after all the stuff I do everyday. I used to never feel justified taking breaks because I thought I didn't do enough to deserve them, but thats changed now.

I have a loooot of responsibilities this semester. Balancing highschool and college was already a lot, especially with only access to public transportation, but I have a lot on my plate too. We moved into a new house, and I'm determined to have a fresh start on habits after living in a hoarder house for 10 years, so I'm doing a lot of housework. I do dishes three times a week at least, take the trash out, clean the kitchen every, and also the bathroom. I am now doing commissions full time in order to fund my summer 2023 trip, which means I always have something to work on. I have the most successful commissions I've ever taken, making 70$ per and oftentimes more (Most recently I got one for 90$ and for 110$). I alsoo have a lot of personal tasks and hobbies. Of course I still draw and am creative, but I've also taken up coding (hi!), writing, and playing the bass. I'm dating two people and have several friendships to maintain as well. Its a lot to do! But now that my time management is way better, and I enjoy almost every part of my schedule, it makes everything wayy easier! I always felt like I was meant to be busy, and always be doing something, and I've finally found a way to do that for myself successfully.

One of my large personal projects right now is my fursuit. I just got the first batch of fur for my suit TODAY, so I'm planning to start working on patterning this weekend. I have a few more things to get, like pins to hold the fur in place before sewing, mesh for the eyes, and to pick up the sewing machine from my grandma, but overall I'm all ready to go! The base has been taped, I have most of the fur I need, I'm ready!!! I want to finish it in time for halloween so I can wear it out! I don't know if I want to bring it to school, I'd surely be made fun of, but maybe some people would really enjoy it? Would I even be able to actually wear it since schools don't like masks? The policies are usually a little less strict on halloween, but its more than a normal mask, it obscures my ENTIRE head.

My other large personal project is my link cable animation. I originally didn't have any strict deadline for myself, but now I reaaaally want to finish it in time for Cyborg's (Aero's?) new album. It comes out on September 15, and it has a link cable remake on it. I think it'd be a fun way to promote the album to my friends, and celebrate it coming out. However, I don't know if I have the time to finish it in only 3 weeks. Its probably doable, but it'd probably consume all my free time for that span.. Maybe I'll just aim for it to be finished by September, even if it's not the exact day.

Thats all I think!! I might've missed something, I have been very busy, but thats the gist of it. Life is going really good right now and I couldn't be happier.

August 6, 2023

Long time no see!! I waa gone for a few weeks as we were moving! We are still unpacking stuff and getting it closer to being a full home, but its been a week & I'm settled in and ready to return to my tasks again. I haven't drawn much, and haven't played bass at all :( but I'll be be getting back to it all soon! I almost feel like I have too many hobbies, it can be overwhelming sometimes to stick with all of them. Especially because some of them are stuff you have to do extremely regularly to keep a basis in (like Norwegian) or something that I coudl technially go a while without doing (drawing, writing, bass), but would need a solid skill in order to not be a beginner when I return.

The new house is so spaceous, its awesome. Our old apartment was so tiny, there was no space ANYWHERE! My room had no storage mechanisms, and all the closets were full, and everyone was always somewhere. Now, theres multiple spaces to be to escape other people, like the living room or the backyard or front porch or the garage or in someone elses room or the common room.. So much space! My own room has a lot more space in it, and I have an actual fucking shelf. Not everything has to be on my desk!! I can have a cleared off desk!!!!! My room also looks pretty awesome itself, I covered the basement walls entirely with art, and the floor has some gorgeous rugs.. Doesn't even feel like a basement, lovely!!

Sharing a room with my sister has destroyed my sleep schedule though, since its hard to sleep whens someone else is awake doing things around me. School starts in a week, and I'd really really like to keep a good schedule so I hope this won't be an issue during the school year. If my sister and Carmen staying up ridiculously late on school nights ruins my own sleep, I will be extremely violent. I'm actually very excited for school, its my senior year!! Then I'm OUT!!!! The year should be pretty easy, I mostly have to take some electives. I need to take gym and an art class and thats all I know I need, so it should be a pretty relaxed year. I also chose college classes that aren't too intense, so that should be fine as well.

I've been thinking of the future a fair bit, but not in a stressful way. Everyone my age is having crises over shit, and I've barely thought about any of it. I have complete confidence that my life will end up good no matter what I end up doing, so I'm not caught up over what college I get into or what job I'll work. One idea I've been particularly fixated on though, is studying abroad, specifically in Norway. If I can't get into a Norwegian program, I'll take something else. But I would love to go to Norway since it is my favourite country ever & I am learning the language

Going back to hobbies, I have so much I'm interested in and it stresses me out sometimes! I draw, animate, write, read, code, play bass, learn Norwegian, and other various tasks and it is so much sometimes! I think I'd be better off if I used social media less and used more of my time to focus on creating, but its hard sometimes lol. When I'm braindead, I don't want to read a book, I want to scroll on twitter. I took a 4 day break last week and it was very beneficial to my productivity, and I think maybe I should stop using twitter altogether. I don't use it quite as often as I did before, but still a little too much to be honest. I also do commissions and stuff that has time limits, and those make things feel so stressful too ugh. I hope I can balance all my hobbies during the school year.

July 21, 2023

It seems I am only on here to write blog posts lately!! That's fine, I haven't had the energy to figure out more code for on here. I have been inspired by a few other websites that take advantage of dividing up the screen into sections, but I'm having a hard time figuring it out for myself so far! I also may have to restructure the entire site if I decide to move to that type of layout, but I don't have too many pages so far so that'll probably be fine. Sometimes I see established neocities with hundreds of pages over years say that they're rebuilding the site and I feel physical pain for them. Anyways, enough about the site, I have some other stuff today too!

I have a lot a lot a lot of projects right now, and its sort of overwhelming to me, so I want to find a system of organization that will help me complete them all. Off the top of my head I have: Ava's commission, Nasa's commission, Spodium's commission, the link cable animation,Karkat bristle worm design, and the Kantel traintrack painting. I also have some casual endeavors like.. packing my stuff to move, practicing Norwegian, practicing bass, and working on this site. That is so much stuff for me!! However, theres a lot of time in the day so I know I can get to all of it. My main issue is I'd like al of these, or at least the commissions, to be out of the way before school starts, so that I don't have all this personal stuff on the back of my mind during the school year. I've been being fairly productive, not as much as I could to be honest, but I'm slowly completing all of these tasks.

My issue with task completing is I go through phases of feeling absolutely hopeless, and then just fine, and hopeless again thinking about all the work that needs done. It would be lovely to be able to better visualize the completion of these tasks, to understand better what I must finish. Maybe I could make a bullet journal type page with a progress bar signifying how much I've completed, that sounds good.

I think I have decided what to do with the music tab of my page, thought up right this second. I'd love to have some sort of music review section. It wouldn't even really be reviews, since I'd just be putting my favourites which I obviously like very much, but it would be fun. I started writing in my journal what my favourite song at the moment was, and I'd love to translate that onto the site too!

My birthday was yesterday! It was one of my best birthdays ever, although I just stayed at home. I got so much art from my friends, which I'll attach below. Zoe and Carmen gave me some very thoughtful gifts, and an insane one, a t-shirt of Bonnie from FNAF and Karkat from Homestuck kissing as anime boys. We had cheesecake and it was very good, overall a very good day! I am a little confused as my grandma never ended up giving me a gift, even though she asked me what I wanted, but I figure maybe she'll give it to me when I see her this Sunday for a balloon event.

July 11, 2023

im back from my trip and ready to work on this site more! today ill work on organizing my blog section, to seperate posts by whether they're personal, about my interests, or about my art. I also need to figure out how i want to organize my art tab - it'll probably be my drawings with descriptions or insight into their creation? And then the images solo will go to the gallery. i also need to update the gallery and add my images ive used in there too, and seperate them by whether they're for aesthetic/layout, my art, personal photos, or used in a shrine post etc

anyways, anthrocon happened. i dont even exactly have things to say about it, I posted so much, so I'll leave this to be a bunch of photos. I haven't talked to mae like at all since i came home, which makes sense we were together like every ounce of the day. beforehand mae said that we wouldnt be attached at the hip every single second, and we could have break time, but we were basically only apart and not talking when we were in seperate rooms to sleep at his grandmas & when we were at different booths at anthrocon. at the end i was being driven a bit insane caus he said something that made me feel bad about myself, and i didnt want to talk, so i went to his room while ava & him were in the living room. but that lasted literally like, 20 minutes, and then they came to sleep (and we talked a bit before bed).

i really enjoyed talking to ava, we got along very well, and mae phrased it as "you found your cece". too bad she is not an internet person at all so ill never really talk to him again until i go back. i would like to go again next summer.. very much so. i could probably spend more time with qula, maybe even spend a few nights at his house. speaking of qula, he ominously asked me if my twt dms were still broken because he needed to send me a long message, and its been like 7 hours and he hasnt sent it yet. in the past i would be very anxious about this but i havent really thought about it, when the message is sent itll be sent! i do wonder it is though, i think our relationship is fine? so it wouldnt be like, a breakup, but idk. idk. we'll see.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i need to get more used to typing/writing more diary type shit but i just get bored halfway thru and dont feel like finishing the rest. its like redundant like yeah i had a day, with some details, i just experienced it i dont feel like telling you about it in extreme detail.

June 25, 2023

i have been in DC for 4 days! i am typing this at mae's grandmas house in the room that used to be his uncles. i learned that the family suspects hes gay, because he is 40 & unmarried. but alas.. the family business is not as interesting to me as if it was my own. i have been thinking recently that im very drama-minded and gossip a lot, because i love telling other people the information of my other friends, but i dont think i am.. random family drama and online videos dont interest me, its really just the close people in my life.

DC has been good, we've done a lot of stuff so far.. Pride was very fun, I'd love to go to pride again. i loved all the little kids running up to me & mae, oftentimes nonsensically screaming or laughing, or going "puppy"!! i hope celosia is finished in time for denfur, but i wont get my hopes up since mae is so busy & i dont want to pressure him.

I decided against the read more on the blog page, in favor of having a whole other page for each blog. I think it'll be better for this anyways! i imagine i'll be posting some preeeeetty long posts here. i obviously havent had the time to work on this, but im a little distraught on how else to upload this place. i dont want the white background, but a lot of the gifs i want to use either have a white background or are badly made transparent (& have white pixel reminents), so its the most convenient way. so far, only the home page, about, & blog section have text, but i should add some other stuff soon. the shrine section would be fairly easy, since its just stuff i love. thats all for site updates though.

idk how much personal stuff i should write here! how much should i spill! will anyone even read this? probably not, realistically, unless they stumble upon it. ive only posted the link in sgarg & on my privtwt w/ 10 people on it. i wonder if itll show up on google since the name is a species of a gecko, and someone will go "what is this" and move on. anyways, whenever i look at cece im just like damn i am going to have sex with them that is soooooo crazy. in a few days lol.

June 20, 2023.

still figuring out how i want to format this, but figured i should write my first blog anyways (it can be reformatted later!). its like im rediscovering internet addiction - like when i got my first laptop at 8, and would play sodoku on it all day because i couldnt figure out how to install anything else but i still /really/ wanted to use it. like when i got my first phone and it was my entire life for a few months. and now im here again - adjusting to the apps (sites on the web) i use on my phone, yes, but also discovering new computer-exclusive activities. i didnt realize how many websites had actual cool unique layouts, because they are simplified and sanitized on mobile versions and app editions!

strangely, being on the computer feels more productive than on my phone.. perhaps because social media like twitter is less satisfying to endlessly scroll on, but i love the sensation of typing so messaging my friends and updating my site consumes me more. ive been posting on a new forum called teensyangls, made by an artist i love, and it is a much nicer feel than standardized social media. i want to look for more forums, and i did, but 99% of what i clicked on was dead. and not even recently dead, but inactive from 2012, 2009, or even as far back as 2001. i hope to discover new corners of the internet as i use actual websites more, as opposed to apps!

Okay, now some discussion for how id like to format the site, specifically the blog section. id like to encase my text in borders and margins, so that the different posts dont bleed into each other. id also like to 'tag' each post by year and topic, so that I can view all my art related blogs, personal life related, etc, rather than having to search through ALL of them! it seems everytime i make a site (and this is my 9th neocities lol), i end up making a million link directories because i am addicted to organization

well! first official blog written, killian