June 30th, 2025
I got my permit in May and have been practicing driving since. I actually find driving pretty enjoyable but god the risks of it.... I'll be having fun going down a road and then it suddenly hits me like, if someone were to be out on the road without me realizing...well.... Because I notice myself zone certain things out sometimes.. Like I'll get really into the space in front of me and forget to glance at the mirrors. I'll look at a sign on the side of the road and end up swerving a bit. I'm not tooo scared because fatal crashes within my decent size town are rare, and oftentimes avoidable with safe driving, but like the thought of going on the highway TERRIFIES me. I want to just take backroads to get to the capital of my state... no way you can get me on the fucking interstate, people are CRAZY on there!
I also realize just how stupid drivers are. People going 60 in a 30 (which is a 30 because it has frequent pedestrians and a park/school nearby) like oh my god why can't you chill out. Speeding within towns gives barely any results because of how lights are programmed - I JUST DONT GET IT! Why is your life worth getting home 2 minutes faster? Why are OTHER peoples lives worth that? I enjoy going the exact speed limit, its like a little challenge for me. If we were all going the speed limit instead of way above or way under, life would be so beautiful.
June 30th, 2025
I generally have a lot of self discipline, in every sense of the word. I do my homework the day its assigned - I don't put off tasks that Need to be done. I can hold myself to a consistent schedule when starting new time-intensive hobbies like language learning or an instrument. I hold my tongue to avoid unnecessary rude remarks or arguments. Even when I'm majorly upset I still control myself from doing anything rash - Never broken an important object, never lashed out on someone.
But for some GODFORSAKEN REASON, holding myself responsible for sleep is SO hard for me. I'll know fully well I'm wasting my time (why even get in an extra hour of twitter when I won't remmeber any of it tomorrow). I'll know that in the morning I'll have something to do, so I'll wake up exhausted. I know if I don't have any responsibilities that I'll wake up absurdly late and waste the day. I know poor sleep causes long-term health problems, like increased risk of cardiac arrest. and I KNOW how happy and productive I am when I get up early. BUT FOR SOME REASON! SOME REASON! I just. Am so fucking bad at holding myself to a sleep schedule. I always stay up later than I intend. Its so frustrating. I think I am finally starting to gain a little bit more self discipline with it, like I only dawdle to get into my bed for like an hour instead of 2. And I am a lot better at forcing myself off my phone, to stop myself from starting a new drawing or project late at night. But I still have a lot of room to improve.
June 29th, 2025
This week has been pretty fun. I went to a rave with my best friend Cotton, and I got absolutely shitfaced. The most drunk/high I've EVER been, but it was so fun. I danced, I took photos of a dozen people (I was genuinely surprised at how many I took the morning after LOL I remember taking like, 4 of them). Multiple people hyped up my outfit - a group of 4 people came up to me and said they loved my dinosaur shirt, then I showed them my dinosaur bag, then tail, and they just got louder and louder going "Oh my god thats so cute, wait theres a BAG too?? Wait your tail!!!!!". Made me feel so happy :) Ive also gone to enough shows now that I'm starting to recognize a lot of people (and people are recognizing me!). Taking photos at shows is awesome because the next time I see someone, they remember me and are excited to see me again.
Then the day after, I went to pride with my family. Ive had to miss out on my local towns pride the last 2 years because I was out of state during it. It was really nice to go to MY pride, knowing these are all people who live here. I saw a friend I hadn't seen a while. There was a local artists vending section, and I met some very nice people there (talked about warrior cats with one, met someone with very very cool unique art). I wish my area had more vending opportunities.. I try to look out for them and they're like, once a year and I have to know the right people to even hear about them which sucks. Had some very good food truck Mexican food, and had some fun conversations with my family.
June 24th, 2025
I am very excited for art fight this year.. Last year was my first year actually participating, and I had so much fun. For the 3 years before, I did one attack and then found it difficult to come up with. Last year I did 11 attacks. This year I think I'll be able to go above 11, maybe even double it. I've been scouting characters I'm interested in... What really helped me last year was I was into a specific show so I was mostly attacking people with furry versions of those characters. This year, I'm mostly focusing on attacking aeromorphs/anthroplanes. This will also hopefully get me some art of my own.. My aeromorphs have way less art than my other ocs since a lot of my friends don't know how to draw them. I'm also attacking some dinos, and cool rarer species (I have an okapi bookmarked, for example). I also have my first mass-attack idea - a herd of parasaurolophuses (my favourite dinosaur) surrounding a water source. I'm very excited!
May 18th, 2025
A few days ago I was on twitter while drunk and saw a drawing of a furry with a shirt that said "#1 Fent Dealer" and in my unusual aggressive manner (I almost never qrt or are mean to people online), I qrt'd and called it ugly. Usually when I'm mean online and someone responds, I feel bad and regret it but all the people that replied to me are such fucking losers I couldn't care at all. Someone qrt'd making fun of My art except they chose a drawing I made of me & my friends ocs and it was just like. I had so much fun drawing it and my friends loved it, so it was like. I love this drawing and you calling it ugly means nothing to me. Maybe if it was a different drawing it would've gotten to me, but that one could not lol. Someone also called me chopped/ugly and it was Again like. So many people have had crushes on me in my life, I get catcalled, whatever, I just don't believe that I'm ugly sorry. My partner loves my body and face, and tells me that every single day, so one comment calling me ugly really couldn't get to me at all. They also had no pictures of them on their profile - Statistically photoless twitter accounts are not particularly hot themselves lol.
Lastly and most strange, a friend of the OG artist decided to print out my tweet hating on the drawing, and also collage a bunch of pictures of my face around it. Like oookay? I don't know how I am supposed to think you and you friends are anything but weird assholes if you do that. They also purposely misgendered me (called me girl & retweeted someone else who did) and simultaneously mis-sexuality'd ( is that a thing help) me. They put the gay male flag behind the photos of me even tho my profile clearly states I'm a lesbian. I don't really know what this person wanted to get out of this because I couldn't even feel bad about this since its just such a weird thing to do to someone. Also, I thought it was funny they had to crop me out of a bunch of pictures with my partner & irl friends to make the collage lol. Like, I can't say for sure they're a loser irl or anything, but the vision of some chronic twitter user cropping my friends out of pictures is really funny to me.
May 15th, 2025
My partner plays this roblox roleplay game called The Sanctuary/Phoenix International. Its about an island of dinosaurs that get observed and tested on sometimes. We both love dinosaurs so after they talked about it for a few months, I decided to apply. I got in as a dinosaur actor (which? Is actually very serious. they don't play about these dinos. i was one of only 19 people who got in out of like, a thousand applications? like okayy). I played for the first time tonight as a minmi. It was very chill since its late at night and not a lot of people were on. I joined a pack with a random guy and we talked a bit. I'm not a big gamer so I'm not sure how much I'll play after this, but it was enjoyable. The models are very beautiful for a roblox game.
May 12th, 2025
Just a little update on a bunch of stuff. I have my permit now, so, this summer my main goal is to practice driving and get my actual license. I submitted my last final today so I'm officially off for the summer! My fafsa finally went through, and I applied again for my biggest scholarship (I applied for my fafsa admitedly very late and I was stressed I couldn't meet my scholarships deadline). I paid off my Tanzania trip, have my passport, got my visa, and paid for my plane tickets. I've had a horrible at worst, mid at best, last month or so, so I'm very glad to have all this stuff wrapped up. I've been slacking on my hobbies due to a lack of motivation from family circumstances, but I'm at my partner's right now and I'm ready to start my summer and be in control again. My online best friend is coming over in a week, it'll be the 4th time we've met irl, and then I go to Tanzania in July.
May 7th, 2025
I feel an annoying amount of spite to my sister and her boyfriend right now. I hate how they just pretend I don't exist in my own house. I just don't understand why they had to specifically go "we're not inviting you to anything anymore" when they already weren't doing that. Today my sister wouldn't even take my dad's phone from my hand when we were ordering dinner and I just wanted to fucking punch her in the face. I already felt incredibly isolated from my family, my brother and sister had hardly invited me to anything recently, and then they decide to rub it in my face even more for some reason. I know they're teenagers with shitty conflict skills and I've talked about it to both of my parents who agree they went about this in a shitty way, but it fucking sucks to know no one wants you there in your Own house. I hear my sister, her bf, my brother and his gf laughing from across the basement and I want to cry and scream. I've never had conflict with my siblings, we never really had fights past the age of like 10, so I just don't understand this whole thing at all.
It makes me feel physically violent in a way that makes me feel afraid of myself. I'm staying at my partner's house for a week on the 9th and I'm so excited to just be AWAY from them. I really hate them so much right now. I don't want to forgive them for isolating me for 3+ weeks from my main social interaction (I've always been incredibly close with my whole family, I tell them everything). If they ever stop being little bitches avoiding me, I don't know if I'll be able to hold back from telling them that they've made me incredibly angry and depressed the last month.
April 23rd, 2025
I know followers don't matter much on neocities and people interact way more on here than they do other sites but like. I still have a habit of not really following people if they have over 100 followers lol. I just don't feel like I'll have a cool enough site for them to want to follow me back. I'll enjoy their website, maybe leave a comment or save it to my folder to check back for updates, but I just.. don't really want to follow you anymore.. Pretty much everyone I follow has under 30 tbh. Maybe I have this extra bitterness because no one follows me first, I always do it first..
April 16th, 2025
It's funny going from a scum of the internet user to very mentally stable and happy.. as a teen I ran a few gore blogs on tumblr. I was on edtwt (before it started getting all the attention it seems to have currently..). I was active on self harm forums. I don't think I could really stomach any of this now. Especially the gore. A few of my friends occasionally send self harm stuff to me still, and even those get me a bit squeamish. I can't ever imagine being anorexic again caus my partner has made me love my fat so much. Theres some world where I return to these things.. maybe a death in my 20s, a really horrible job or series of events, but I really think I could never do any of those things again.
June 25th, 2025
I had an enlightening conversation with my partner the other day that helped me realize exactly why I didn't want to use social media anymore (and how Ill go about cutting it out this summer). Essentially, social media is too generalized. They want you to post anything and everything to keep you hooked. I want to keep up with my friends, but I don't need all the clutter (reposts of art, of political posts, posts about discourse whether made by my friend or just reposted). What I want is much closer to the format of sites like DeviantArt. I want to just see the art of my friends, catch up easily & leave. If something is really important, it'll be mentioned in the description of a drawing or get a journal post. My current problem is I don't want to just go onto twitter, tumblr, etc to post and leave. I WANT to see what my friends are up to, and then in the process of checking that, I see all the Clutter. For me, twitter tumblr insta are an all or nothing thing where its not possible for me to just go and post art/irl stuff and leave, its either I'm there or I'm not.
I am planning to move to deviantart as my main art platform again (and try out some new sites like Ink Bunny) and then urge my friends to keep up with my website. I think the easiest way to do the latter is to add a "newly added" section to my home page, so my friends can easily find the stuff thats new since their last visit. I also will of course keep up with people individually, instead of relying on social media to show me their life so much. Sadly some people will always be caught in the "we aren't close enough to really warrant messaging every week, but i like seeing their posts online" thing. As much as I'd want to know all these people, its just not pheasible to keep up with all 60ish of the online mutuals I regularly interact with.