Therianism
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In December, I had my inevitable Therian Awakening.. It felt like a ticking time bomb, and the pieces finally clicked into place..
Unfortunately, the animal I most strongly identify with is extinct. If you don't know the name of the dinosaur on the page, it is parasaurolophus. Parasaurs lived in the area of the United States I am from, so they feel like the best match. But a lot of my model of their behavior is taken from other hadrosaur specimens as well. Hadrosaurs (or 'duckbills') were one of the most successful groups of dinosaurs, spreading the whole globe & surviving up until the meteor. They were large animals, measuring 20-30 feet, who presumably lived in large herds based on footprint preservations. Parasaurs likely had complex social behaviors, indicated by the increasing brain-sizes of dinosaurs as they headed towards their extinction. Parasaurs are believed to have been able to make loud trumpet-like noises with their huge crests. If they had complex social behavior, they also likely made other noises too.
It is hard to explain how I identify so strongly with something so mysterious, but it is almost like a process-of-elimination thing. I had been interested by 'therianism' or being 'nonhuman' for a long time, but could never really Get it. I have always loved reptiles, and I wanted to be one in some way. But my traits simply don't map well onto reptiles. I'm not asocial, I am not picky about my environment, I am not slow-moving or cold. At the same time, mammals didn't resonate with me whatsoever. I was definitely not a carnivore or hunter, which eliminates felines and canines and mustelids or other common therianforms. But I definitely didn't feel small, like rodents or lagomorphs. I wasn't agile or quick like most mammals and I definitely don't feel soft or cuddly.
Dinosaurs, and especially hadrosaurs, were a perfect bridge for that. Parasaurolophus was a reptile, so I resonate with their appearance much more than any mammal. They probably weren't the fastest movers, but they weren't as impossibly slow or still as many modern reptiles. They were herbivores always on the move, probably like elephants or giraffes of today. I probably wouldn't have come to this conclusion if I had not been very strongly drawn to nonhumanism for a long time & dwindled down my options to basically nothing.
I had always vaguely identified with common therian traits. I enjoy partaking in more animal-like mannerisms, like rubbing my face on people. I have gone nonverbal throughout my life, sometimes for emotional reasons, but also occassionally without any apparent cause. I enjoy a good play fight or crawling on all fours. It was all super vague and not connected to any particular animal, but now that I know what I am, I have had soooo much fun developing my behaviors.
When I sleep at night, I like to imagine I am warm inside an egg. I think of scenes of living my parasaur life from birth to death. As large animals, I imagine they rubbed their bodies on trees to scratch themselves. So I enjoy to rub myself on the edge of my desk or shelf to scratch myself. I made a fursuit head of my parasaur sona, and wear it all around the house.. I hit my crest on the wall the other day, and it made me think of what it must be like to have a crest as a young parasaur, and not yet know how you need to walk to avoid hitting it on trees.
It does really suck to know I will never know entirely how they lived. The intracacies of their social interactions are lost forever. Even what patterns they had are unknown. As someone super into animals of all types, that crushes me. But I will admit also that the mystery is appealing in many ways. It feels symbolic, almost, of my own mind and self. All the stuff I'll never really know, but is apart of me nonetheless.